Lay Back And Enjoy The Stress

Our vacation starts in a week. This will be our third trip to Thailand. It's a hidden treasure. People ask us all the time, "Why go there". I will be posting pictures and keeping a journal while we are gone so maybe some of those questions will be answered. Once our feet hit the airport floor in Bangkok, Mrs. Monkey and I become carefree and work free.

BUT the flight there is just another reason that one would choose to drink antifreeze. Mrs. Monkey is afraid of heights AND she is always late for everything. Me, I am early for everything and I can fly with NO problems. This causes the stress of "getting to ones desired location" HELL - and I mean the Lord of Darkness has his cover blown in the car when we are driving to the airport. We are always there on time, but BARELY!!! Mrs. Monkey is all stressed about setting foot in a tin can and flying and I am pissed because Mrs. Monkey is dragging ass. Then once we get on the plane in Kansas City we get the pleasure of visiting and changing planes at Chicago O'hare Airport. Seriously, it is the WORST airport in the world. I would rather smash my breasts with a mallet then go to that airport, but it's a shorter flight to get to Thailand so one must pay a due for that. Then from there we board the plane for a 18, yes EIGHTEEN hour flight to Japan. The last leg of the trip from Japan to Bangkok is five hours.

For now I will just lay back and enjoy the stress...

Another Open Letter To The Snow Fairy

Dear Snow Fairy,

You're really starting to piss me off. Before I was just annoyed with you. I mean you shit all over my Christmas. You shit all over my New Years and now you are just getting a little to close to my vacation departure.

If you even come near Kansas City International Airport or Chicago O'Hare on or around Feb. 5, 2010 I will send my attack dog (pictured above) after you. You will be sorry!

I'm not playing either. I mean it! You aren't just right, you need to be exterminated!

You have made me reach the highest level of pisstivity!

Back off Snow Fairy!

Signed,
Not a fan of you at all!

Death By Drowning

Public toilets freak me out. I mean what could be any grosser and unsanitary than a public toilet. I guess if I had to say that I had any fear in the whole world it would be having to go to the bathroom at Wal Mart and not being able to hold it until I get home.

As a kid I remember going to camp. Ughhhhhh, and what do you think they had there for us to use ... outhouses!!! WTF, you wanted a terrified 12 year old to go into a wooden shack and go pee in a hole cut into a piece of wood! That smelled like it held dead bodies! Hell NO, I did the native thing and went to the woods!!!

Because of my fear I have learned that I can hang on for hours to go pee and wait until I get home ...

But sweet 8 pound baby Jesus, can anyone tell me why I can hold it up until the time, not even thinking about needing to go UNTIL I get to the front door of the house. It is then that I have bladder control failure and all of a sudden find myself doing the pee pee dance at the door! Then on top of it my hands are usually full of something so I struggle with putting the code in the door! I find myself running in the door, throwing whatever I have on the floor, making a bee line to the bathroom, pulling my pants down on the way and alas barely making it before I pee all over myself!

And it's getting worse as I get older ... please tell me depends is included in the new health plan!